Opija my grandfather who’s the owner of all wisdom south of Sahara and north of River Limpopo one time said and I quote, “A man who has nothing to hide nor considers anything private cannot and should not be trusted.” And since I’ve always endeavoured to live by my grandfather’s light, I’ve without question obeyed and revered this wisdom. Because I should be trusted for I’m an honourable man. If I wasn’t I would have told you so.
And that’s why I cringed when I was asked about Cinderella. My Sweet Cinderella. The secret that I have honoured to keep, and that I must lay bare for y’all and sundry today because I’ve learnt one more wisdom in my long life; a wise man hides his hairy legs not the love he never had.
Now whence do I start writing about Cinderella? I would have begun by telling you about her long beautifully curved legs that would make you glare at the ground she walked on in furious jealousy, but I won’t. No. I refuse to even mention that bangle that dangled enchantingly on her ankle, lest you begin fancing her too and I’m forced to strangle you. Oh and those hips that launched constant rebellion against her rather slim dresses, only God knows who won; the hips or the dresses. I will mention the two forbidden supple fruits on her chest but only in passing. Because they were ripe, they were succulent and always in a standing ovation for the gods.
When I first met Cinderella I was awestruck by her beauty. One only needed to look into her eyes be lost forever.
Cinderella like the fairy tale was gorgeous. But also unlike the fairy tale she was neither mistreated nor impoverished. For my Cinderella was the daughter of our local chief. Yeah, I know, I know, only a foolhardy trys to inappropriately think of, let alone date the daughter of the chief. But I was foolishly in love meen, you understand right?
I’m assuming you’ve all read or watched the classic folk tale Cinderella. Well if you haven’t I should tell you to go ride a porcupine back to your former school and collect back your school fees. But I won’t. Instead I’ll pretend I went to school for you and tell you that in the fairy tale, Cinderella is suppose to meet and fall in love with a prince. Well, back in my village with Cinderella Nyar Chief I was that prince. You laugh but technically I’m prince. Seeing that I’m a direct descent of Ramogi Ajwang who was a great king those many centuries ago.
And you haven’t heard me brag about it.
Now Nyar Chief would came to meet her prince one fine evening by the Sugarcane plantation. Wueh! It was love at first sight, romance 101 . Romeo and Juliet would be jealous. I told her a lot of things most of which are disrespectful to reveal to you but of course I also never forgot to mention the degree I was getting from Harvard and how somehow I was related to both Obama and Raila Baba. When I mentioned that I was one of the key brains behind BBI, Cinderella smiled coyly, quietly slipping into the trap i had set for her.
That same evening she invited me to read her BBI. Imagine my luck! Time was set and it was a date. By exactly ten pm I was already by their fence. The chief’s fence. All caution thrown to the wind and ready to dash in like the prince I am and grab Cinderella to our BBI rally for a blissful BBI reading. I knew what her father would do to me if I was caught but I did not care. My grandfather always said to me that no one should ever make me feel inferior without my consent. Because we are all mortal men, no one has the power to make you their slave, and if they do so, remind them that you were also born from a mortal womb. I was ready to remind the chief that I was also born of a mortal womb!
Except I had forgotten one thing;
The chief kept two huge Alsatian dogs and my fruitless attempts to jump over the gate alerted them. Friends I wailed like a woman that night. And I like to say that my wail apart from alerting the whole village of my presence at the chief’s gate also saved my life from these beasts.
I spent that night tied to the gate and was only freed the next morning with a stan warning that I will have my balls forfeit if I ever did as much as stare at Cinderella again.
As of today, I would like to say I still have both my two balls where I would want them to be- firmly attached to my d**k.
By: Tonny Ogwa