You are probably gentle. As gentle as the gentiles, or as something else, maybe a cat or your ancestors, I don’t know. The point is you are gentle. Also you’re a man. You’ve got the third leg and all so you’re sure you are a man. But you’ve never really mastered the science that is owning these two words when conjoined by the thigh. Or you don’t know if you do. Like those folks who know but don’t know that they know. Well, don’t under-do yourself in the village this festive season. Not when you can get help from the specialist.
So below are the MUST do’s if you’re hopping to ascend to the heights of GENTLEMANLINESS while in the village.
1. BE OF MALE GENDER
This is so obvious right? You have to be of male gender to be a gentleman. Not female, not They (oh yeah there’s a they gender). Anything that’s not male cannot be a gentleman. Ati gentlewoman, absurd right?
2. DO NOT BE GENTLE – ESPECIALLY WHEN IMBIBING AT THE VILLAGE RESORT
I’ve also noticed that the word gentle forms roughly three quarters of the total character count in gentleman. You’re in the village man! Folks like it here when you’re tough talking and just a pinch too rude to the bar maid. Also there are no feminists here and no one indubitably reads Chimamanda so you can insult the bar maid anyhow anytime and get away with it. This is also the most opportune time to remind everyone in the bar of your University degree and ask them where they were when you were getting your training in Harvard. They must know people.
3. DON’T TELL PEOPLE YOU SUPPORT ARSENAL
Now this is ancient wisdom my friend. Even your ancestors know this. Never admit to anyone in the village that you support Arsenal even if you do. Not even when you’re under the influence of your strongest poison. You can’t support Arsenal and still be a gentleman. You can be either, never both!
4. BOAST OF YOUR MANY WOMEN IN NAIROBI
It doesn’t matter whether you’re married or not. People in the village want to hear of your conjugal prowess so feed them some. They will bestow a great deal of respect on you when they know you’re just as polygamous as your ancestors
5. DON’T TELL PEOPLE ABOUT YOUR FOLLOWERS ON INSTAGRAM.
I know you’ve reached 15k followers on IG and recently even Erick Omondi followed you. Well unless there’s a local center in your village called Instagram, don’t tell anybody of the many people from Instagram who follow you.
6. WEAR SUITS
This is arguably the shortest route to GENTLEMANLINESS. I don’t know why it’s not the first point. Just wear suits in the village bro. Wear suits.
7. MIX ENGLISH WITH YOUR LOCAL DIALECT WHEN SPEAKING
If you don’t hail from the lake region, I’m sorry, I can’t help you here
People who lace every statement they say with English are accorded the highest level of respect in my village.
Just go like,” Schedule na sani is very tight omera” (my schedule right now is very tight my brother)
8. PAY THE NDUTHI GUY TWICE THE FARE
Baas now this here does wonders bro. If the fare from your hut to the local center is 50 shillings, pay 100. It will not be long before everyone is singing of how the county assembly would look better with you in it.
It’s me your specialist. Always at your service. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year jolly good fox. Celebrate safely.
Besides studying computer science at kisii university, Tonny Ogwa is a contributing writer for a number of publications. When he is not writing, he is googling his name because he is always busy.